“I want to be violently fucked. I find it mildly disturbing, and yet it seems so natural to our already crazy interactions. I want to be slammed into the bed, bitten harder, and choked amongst other things…This is not switching, because I am always in control of the aggression being exerted onto me. I demand whatever I want and he obeys.”
I’d never really thought about my sex in terms of violence, aggression, pain, or domination and submission until recently. All those words were negatives, all associated with abuse and never to be joined in any desirable way with sex. I had a typical mainstream idea of BDSM, I think, probably traceable to a few unappealing old European S&M movies I’d seen long before I opened my mind to new erotic possibilities. The idea that the submissive women in BDSM (it was always women in my mind) were anything but unwilling victims forced into the very bottom level of porn out of desperation or some awful degradation never crossed my mind. Even once I started my blog and started selling my own clips, it had never really occurred to me how much I needed to update my perception of bondage, discipline, S&M, and dominance and submission. I’d seen some very slick BDSM stuff that I actually liked—Andrew Blake stuff—but while it was very sexy, it seemed to me like to be a cosplay version of what I thought was the real unsavory thing.
Then I made friends with a Mistress K and Pet, the hot domme and hard-bodied sub whose home on the Web is DeviantDisplay, the source of the sexy quote above. They opened my eyes to how “pain and degradation can be an honest expression of love.” My assumptions suddenly seemed shallow. I’d never before considered the idea that bottom might be in control, that there might not be any victim in the BDSM equation. When I started reading their posts, however, it was immediately clear to me that, at the bottom, these were two people in love (and lust) who were having an unfair amount of fun, a level of erotic excitement that I also wanted to experience. Kraka and I had been having great sex, but nothing that seemed to match their raw, uninhibited abandon.
I wanted to get there, but I couldn’t see exactly how this BDSM way of thinking applied to me, yet. It just didn’t fit in with my view of myself, as a woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone, yet lacked the confidence to be sexually aggressive. Until I shot a BDSM video for SheMuscle. I was a slave in that video, dommed by two other new friends, Ashlee Chambers and Darkside Milinda. It made a lot of sense for me to be the sub, since I was completely inexperienced—I didn’t have to do anything—things were done to me. But it was also surprisingly rewarding. I was afraid it would feel weird or wrong or frightening, but, actually, except for some stage fright, the experience was very positive. I surrendered to the experience and to Ashlee and Milinda, and they more than repaid my submission with squirting shuddering orgasms.
Something had begun to click for me.
Bottom in the Bedroom
Since then, I’ve been emailing with my new friend Aya, a sexy TPE (total power exchange) sub who’s explaining to me in a long and fascinating email exchange what subbing means to her. After some patient and generously detailed explanations, I’ve come to think my role is somewhere between bottom and bedroom submissive, a term I learned from Aya, which means about what it sounds like–submitting, but only in the bedroom. I never truly surrender control, but I am the one acted upon, and I’m not usually the one who chooses what’s being done to me. I could say that we choose together, but it’s really more the case that I’m approving of the suggestions of another (usually Kraka).
Pumping and Electrostim
Seen through this filter, I’m beginning to realize that most of my favorite kinds of sex play could be considered BDSM. One is pumping. We do lots of pumping, to the point where I don’t even think of it as unusual, but there is a certain element of mild, delicious pain in the stretching and repeatedly increased and released pressure, and part of me is still connected enough to the vanilla world to know that it is, in fact, pretty freaky. I handle the pump as much as he does, but, honestly, even when I’m pumping it’s at his direction, though subject to my feelings of pleasure or pain.
Electrostim could easily be considered BDSM, too, I realized. It also involves kind of pain at the higher power levels. Certainly if you went right up to the highest levels, it would be unbearable. We tend to turn the dial up so gradually to allow for acclimation, but there is definitely some kind of enjoyably excruciating pain there at its most extreme. Think of a hot spring bath, or if you’ve never taken one, the hottest hot bath you’ve ever taken—one that would scald you if you jumped right in, but that feels somehow burningly pleasurable if you take your time easing in. Again, it’s Kraka who chooses the settings for the stim systems.
The one kind of outright pain that I enjoy—and actually beg for or demand, depending on my mood—is rough treatment of my nipples. When I am excited, Kraka can’t squeeze them hard enough. Sometimes I’ll grab his fingers in mine and squeeze as hard as I possibly can, to the point where I’m hurting his fingers, and it’s still not enough sensation for my nipples. My vision will go white, and I’ll feel like lightning just hit my tits, and I’m still gasping, moaning for more.
This only works if I’m really, really excited, for some reason—it’s like there’s some sort of confusion or overlap of what the nerve impulses are telling me, once I’m well and truly aroused: a confusion between pleasure and pain. Once in a while, Kraka misjudges and there’s shrieking and swearing and even a few tears, on a couple occasions. But, even then, the fucking doesn’t stop—it might even speed up a little.
So, yes…I guess there is a part of me that gets BDSM on some level. I don’t know exactly what it all means, yet, however. I don’t truly know where I fall on the D/s spectrum, or where exploring the BDSM world will lead me. But my eyes are open to it now, I’m not afraid to think about myself and my sex in those terms. It’s exciting to me in the same way that making that first step into making my own porn was: exhilarating, terrifying, and seductive.
I don’t know how far I’ll go in pursuit of this new idea, but I can tell you this: the next shoot that I’m working on setting up is a full-on bondage photo and video shoot, with spreader bars, cuffs, blindfolds and a whole session of device-based forced orgasms—working with a guy for the first time, no less. I’m nervous, but I’m also almost unbearably excited. I think that says a lot about my future explorations. I’m excited to see where they take me next.
[Note: thanks as always to Mistress K for reading this, and for inspiring me. Thanks, too, to Aya (and her Master, Alain, for putting us in touch) for educating me. Any misinterpretations or errors on the facts of BDSM are mine, however. These are just my thoughts on the subject, not an authoritative introduction to BDSM. If that’s what you’re looking for, I’d recommend the excellent Kink Academy.]
- Rikochan Does SheMuscle: Part I (old.rikochanpornstar.com)
- Electrostim/エレクトロ・スティム(電気刺激) (old.rikochanpornstar.com)