I used to want skinny, coltish legs. I used to want a thigh gap. I wanted to be the one who walked knock-kneed and girlishly weak, like a sexy anime character. Big legs, and big quads especially, had a special horror for me-because I had them at one point, when I was a fat kid with muscles. (I had big shoulders that I hated, too, but this post is about legs.) I used to want to be slim and sleek and heroin chic. And I got there. I was, for many years thin enough that friends’ mothers alway used to always try to feed me up. Ever seen Aeon Flux (the cartoon, not the shitty movie)? That was me: all shoulders and sharp, boney legs.
And please understand, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being slight, svelte, and elflike, if that is your aesthetic, your genetics, your inclination, or just where you’re comfortable being–always assuming that it’s not because you are unwell or don’t have access to as much food as you might like. I’m definitely not one to judge on their thinness, fatness, muscularity, or lack thereof. If you could see my porn collection you’d know that. Chubby girls, skinny girls, bodybuilders, I’ve got them all, and all of them make me crazy excited in their own way.
But I am pretty sure I was hurting my health to get that thin. I’m sure I was malnourished, and who knows what the fuck I did to my bones during those years. I used to be so thin that my legs were stick-like, and my pelvis bones bruised my sex partners, and my fingers recalled segmented spider legs, and my ridiculous Mongolian cheekbones looked like they were going to burst through my very, very thin skin. In those days, I had disciple and self control, and complete mastery of my body, and those were the outward signs of that complete self domination.
Or at least, that’s how it felt to me then. I still yearn for that feeling sometimes. I think about getting ripped a lot, but, for now, the desire to build and bulk is stronger. And I’ve really, really grown to love eating, too–there’s that. I’m seriously thinking about going to AVN this year in Vegas, and, the instant I pull the trigger on tickets and hotel reservations, I’m going to have to face cutting, though. It’ll be interesting to see which impulse–cut or bulk–wins out then. But, there’s no way I want to be in a convention hall full of porn stars in off-off-season shape. I’ll have to get to at least off-season shape!
Big Quads Pride
These days I’m happy to have legs that are getting just a little bit “thick” and quads that are starting to get a little rounded, and I’m excited if someone tells me my legs look “swole” even though they don’t, really. (They really, really don’t–yet.) I’m just happy that they have changed enough that people might say that, even jokingly. “Legs looking beefy, Riko!” makes me absurdly happy. Even when people tell me not to let my legs get too big, that I’m big enough, or that my legs (or any part of me, really) are getting too big, there’s a part of me that exults–after I yell at, unfriend, ban, or block them, of course.
Big Like Bakhar!
I want legs that are big, I want tree trunks, I want massively rounded bulging legs and teardrop quads. I want sprinter thighs, I want speedskater thighs, I want my legs to look like Bakhar Nabieva‘s legs. And that ass! I got into bodybuilding specifically to overcome a flat ass. I want legs that are so big that if someone did a faithful drawing of them for a comicbook, people would be like, that’s ridiculous, women can’t *look* like that. Of course, I want the rest of my body to match my big quads. Bakhar is mostly about the legs, as a bikini girl. Which is cool–the focus on legs and ass really pays off for her!
I’m a little sad that it’s getting harder and harder to find jeans that fit my legs, but I’m secretly happy, too. I feel like this is something I can really do, this is a change I can make, this is achievable. In fact, I know it is. I might never have giant peaked biceps (although I will never stop working on them!), but I’ve already had grapefruit quads as a highschooler, when I was on the volleyball team, and I’m going to have them again…
Next stop, big quads and freaky legs!