I’m feeling different about my clit these days. I’ve loved it since I was able to understand that it was desirable despite its uniqueness, but even so, I’ve always been shy about it, like I’m shy about everything, I’ve always been submissive about it, like I’m submissive about everything. But something has been changing, lately, and I’m feeling a pride, a power, an energy…a big clit energy!
Big Clit Submissive
Just to be clear, when I say that I’m shy about my big clit, it’s not to say that I’m ashamed or embarrassed about it, because it’s a big clit. It’s just that I’m shy in general, and especially about sex and showing my body and asking for what I want. I’m really, truly very submissive in that way. I don’t hesitate to stand up for what I believe in, but I’m terrible about saying what I want. But I can feel that changing.
Having a stable, long-term partner helped me see that I can say no, and that’s a huge deal for a submissive woman. But it wasn’t until I started fucking other people that I really internalized that I could say not only say yes, but that I could say what I actually wanted, and that, while doing so might be scary, it could also actually be amazingly fun—that’s when I started to feel this big clit energy.
Sure, mostly what I want is to completely at the mercy of a partner who, within my limits, does what they want to me, taking control of my body, my orgasms, and even—and maybe especially—taking control of my mind and pulling me out of my endless monolog of fears, doubts, and worries, and into the white hot now of subspace and surrender.
But as I grow and learn, I’m discovering that this yearning to surrender control doesn’t mean that I’m only passive, that I can’t ever reach that same kind of release and presence in the moment if my partner happens to be able to perfectly read me, to play me like an instrument without having any sheet music. Sure, improvisation is fine, but any improv requires queues from all the people playing, and sometimes turns out that it works better if I’m one of the musicians, not one of the instruments.
When I started playing with other people, I realized that my big clit had a sort of hypnotic power over people. Like, even the most dominant ones generally ended up completely focused on it. Sure, they thought they were dominating it, but a lot of them ended up worshipping it, ended up climatized. Suddenly, I had power over them—a kind of big clit energy, and nowhere do I feel more than when people are worshipping with their mouths.
Suck My She-Dick!
Since I’ve started playing and working with other people, I’ve learned that I can’t just wait for them to get what works, so I’ve become increasingly aggressive about it. Just about everything feels nice, but if you want to make me jerk and shudder and bounce and squirt and COME, you need to do what I tell you.
Butterfly kisses and gentle licks are fine, especially while we’re getting started, but I’m going to need you to really get in there and blow me, once we get going. I’m going to want to feel you sucking my whole big clit into your mouth as far as it can go, to the point that you pull in my swollen labia and try to swallow it, putting you whole tongue along the sensitive underside, licking as deep into my pussy as you can get, shaking your head like a dog with a bone, moaning and groaning into my fat pussy, like you’ve got a cock in your mouth and you’re giving it a hummer.
That’s right, like it’s a cock. If that idea bothers you, you should tap out now, but my guess is you won’t. No one ever does. In fact, I want you to use every blow job technique you’ve ever seen. Straight girls and bi men have an easier time with this, once they get the idea, since they’re probably pretty good at blowjobs…at least the ones that I’m likely to play with. Straight guys can get a little freaked out at this idea, though. But none of them, if they haven’t experienced big clit energy before, are quite ready for the experience.
They aren’t used to finding themselves pushed down and pulled up into a woman’s pussy by strong, muscular arms. They don’t know that it’s the moving up and down the shaft of my two-inch clit, sliding the foreskin on and off the the glans that drives me crazy. They don’t know that it’s watching them bobbing up and down and hearing—and feeling—the wet slurping and moaning that drives me one hundred percent absolutely fucking mad.
They don’t know what it does to me to hear them gasping for breath and sputtering and gagging when I squirt and squirt and squirt into them, filling their mouths and their throats until the hot liquid has nowhere to go but up and out their noses. They don’t know how powerful and wild and strong it makes me feel to see them make eye contact with me, when I let them up to breathe, their face a wet, swollen mess and their eyes tearing and red and running, completely wrecked and panting and coughing but dazzled and dazed and smiling and proud for having served me well…
Following My Big Clit Energy
Anyhow, I’m not a domme. I don’t think I’m even really a switch. But these days I definitely get the appeal, and I’m still growing as a sexual person. Who knows where I might end up if I follow my big clit energy?
PS: watch my video studio for more big clit clips, coming soon!
Hey everyone! I just wanted you to know that Rikochan Studios (not a real studio-yet) posted a new video a few days ago! I think it’s going to be fun for anyone who likes my big clit pumping Rikochan erotica–it’s like ten minutes solid alternating between pussy pumping and nipple play. My clit gets absolutely huge in this one! But that’s not the reason that I love it! It’s called Rikochan’s New Clit Pumping Project, and I hope you’ll all like it too.
Here’s why: As I’ve said many times, most of what I make on Rikochanpornstar.com goes straight back into buying stuff to make it better. Some years I net a little money, most of the time I take a loss. Of course, someday I’d love for this to be a big money spinner, but for now, I spend the money to make better Rikochan erotica videos, to make better pictures, to hire new people to shoot with, to pay for hosting, to buy new wardrobe, and to buy new toys. This time I spent money on toys.
It’s All About the Toys
It’s a not a sex toy, though, sorry! This time it’s a new ring light for my camera. These things are seriously cool…the light that they provide is so even and gorgeous…I’m pretty sure some of the selfie queens on IG use them, but I found them from watching Japanese AV. I always thought they looked so beautiful with their lighting even in their weird cheap gonzo porn with handheld video cameras, and I couldn’t figure out how they did it!
Finally, though I noticed that in a lot of the close-ups, you can see a ring-shaped light reflected in the eyes of the stars! So, I google ring light, and the rest is history. The one I bought is on the cheap side, and occasionally you can actually see it in the edge of the frame in this new video, but I don’t think it really detracts too much…might even give it a funky new guerrilla Rikochan erotica/porn look.
The Future of Rikochan Erotica?
This is great and all, but I’m so frustrated about having to basically just reinvent/reverse engineer everything when it comes to making video. I’m seriously thinking of taking some film-making classes, if I can find some that are right for me at my weird advanced beginner level! If anyone knows of any porn-friendly film schools or classes (casual or formal) in the NYC area, please let me know!
I’m thinking of maybe setting up a gofundme for it. I don’t know, is that too…gofundme-ish? I feel like there are some of you, at least who would really get your money’s worth if you invested in Rikochan Studios, or whatever I end up calling it…
Anyhow, that’s just a dream for the moment. Right now, I’m already putting out my advanced beginner porn, and you should really check out the latest one, Rikochan’s New Clit Pumping Project!
I’m so excited to be working with lovely, formal pictures again. There’s something very different to editing and posting pictures that were taken during an actual photoshop versus the ones that you take on the fly during actual sex sessions, especially when I get to work with photographers I love. I hope you like this set, Pumping Rikochan’s Clit, with my friend Slutty Nic, which I’ve posted some great shots of in the past.
Don’t get me wrong, I love, love, love the gonzo pictures (and videos) that come out of shooting while I’m actually getting fucked or pumped and so on, POV shots that either me or the person doing…things…to me take, as the opportunities come. There’s a real, exciting rawness to shots that come out of shoots like that, and those are by far the largest part of the shots I take and post online. That’s the stuff that feels real, and hardcore and that makes me wet and hot and bothered to look at and edit and post.
But then again, there’s something really satisfying about shoots that are planned out ahead of time, too; shoots with a wardrobe, and a set and a budget–and especially shoots with a costar! You get a different sort of feeling with that kind of shoot, whether it’s video or still, as is the case here with these shots of me and Slutty Nic. No, there aren’t any videos of me and Nic, who has since moved away, which makes me very sad! We just did that one shoot for stills. Maybe someday!
Pumping Rikochan’s Clit, Vintage Shots
Yes, these are older clit-pumping shots. I started posting pictures from this set about four years ago, with a post called Rikochan Gets Her Clit Licked by Slutty Nic. I’ve slowwwwwwwly been doling them out ever since. These are some of my most popular pictures ever, and I get amazing feedback every time I post a new group of pictures from this shoot.
I’m going to be really sad when they’re all gone! I do the same thing with my shots of Yuka Ozaki and Mistress Treasure, by the way, sitting on pics for years. So if you’re a fan of my shoots with either of those two, yes, there’s more coming from those shoots too…
Note that I’m a terrible model, it takes shooting hundreds and hundreds of shots just to get a handful of good ones. And, furthermore I’m so subby and submissive that it’s really hard to get a good out of me unless you’re really assertive and in control of the shoot. And, furthermore, I always maintain some anonymity in my shoots, which is an additional challenge for a photographer, I think. For all those reasons, it’s so much better if I can get a costar for a shoot, and a video, too. That’s why, for example, my videos with Yuka, Treasure, and Lady Clarece are so exciting to shoot, and, I think, watch.
And that’s why I’m working to set up some shoots with some people that I met via my Twitter, Tumblr, and Fetlife profiles, hopefully as early as May. Keep an eye out for more from this set, soon. I hope to have some news to announce soon! Also, I’m going to be posting lots more picture from this set, Pumping Rikochan’s Clit, over the next few days.
Here are some pumped nipples to say Happy April, everyone! I feel like the long horrible winter is just about over (although there is snow coming here again tomorrow, WTF!), and I’m feeling creative and sexy and horny again for the first time in a long time. Yay! You know that that means lots of porn and sexy stories to share here and clips for my store, right? The first bit is to finish off this photoset, which gets serious now with one of my favorite kinds of sex play ever, nipple pumping!
I spent longer than usual with pumped nipples for this little photoshoot–completely unplanned. I pumped the hell out of my nipples thinking that was what I was going to shoot a little bit of, and then I noticed that these panties were good for a clit bulge shoot and spent forever trying to get good shots of that. (It turns out they were too tightly elastic to really let my clit extend to its full magnificence.)
By the time I got back to paying attention to my poor nipples, they had begun to leak little droplets of milk! I can’t tell you how exciting that is for me…like, it’s actually a sex dream I have had, that I take a special drug, or am forced to take a special drug, or am milked like a cow so often and so forcefully, or am under a spell…all so that my breasts swell, and swell, and swell, and I begin lactating.
As you can see, my pumped nipples got so big and hard and swollen they looked like hentai anime nipples! When I got the tubes off, they were so hard they didn’t even feel like flesh, they were as hard as rocks! And yet, so much, much more sensitive than normal, despite not feeling real. I couldn’t stand to touch them with anything but the lightest, most feathery of touches, just barely brushing them with what would have been a ticklish caress was like shooting electricity right into them (I know, because I used to be really into electrostim!)
Even a mouth on my nipples was too much to bear unless it was just the lightest of butterfly kissing and the very softest of sucking, barely a hint of suction, and light mouthing of my poor, aching, bursting pumped nipples with the lips. As you can see, my clit got amazingly swollen, just as a result of having my nipples pumped. In the picture above, that’s my clit with absolutely no stimulation, pumping or even fingering. I just pulled aside the yellow panties, and, boing!, there she was…
Anyhow, that’s my latest photoset! I think there’ll be more again soon. I know I’ve been neglecting all my various porn outlets for a while, but at least when I deliver it’s something pretty good, right? Well, I’ve got some pretty good things planned for the next little while, too, so please don’t give up on me!
Yes, that’s right, I’m expanding…and I don’t just mean pumping my clit! I’m growing my online presence this coming year. That’s my main resolution for 2018…to be more active online, in more places, and to expand the range and reach of the porn I’m making.
Rikochan on iWantClips
The first thing that means is appearing in more places online, and I’ve already started that by expanding from just selling on clips4sale. I plan to start up a manyvids store soon, and I have already gotten a head start: Just this week, I opened a new Rikochan iWantClips Porn Studio! There aren’t too many big clits on iWantClips, so maybe I can do well there?
Some of you may have already seen the tweets my store automatically puts out, with sexy samples of the videos, on my Twitter account–if you don’t follow me there, you really, really should. I post on there every day. It’s the best place to chat with me online. No direct messages unless you’re writing me about work. Just @ me and I will do my very best to get back to you, if you have something cool or interesting or nice to say.
Rikochan New Year’s Sale
You may also have noticed that although there aren’t very many clips on there yet, they are pretty cheap. In fact, through New Year’s Day, every clip on iWantClips will be just $5! After that, the prices are going back up, but I thought this would be a good way to get people to come by and check out my new store. It’s actually the first time I’ve ever done a sale. If it works out, maybe it won’t be the last!
I’ll be adding my back catalog there slowly, in some cases in improved quality, and nearly always with better compression. If there’s a particular old clip you’d like to get your hands on. please be sure to let me know and I’ll do my best to get it converted and uploaded over there.
I have other plans for 2018, but nothing is solid enough that I can really tell you about it, yet. Too many things fell through over the past couple of years, and I’d rather tell you about them when they are shot and in production, but I can tell you that I have plans to shoot for couple of studios that I really admire, that I have a couple new photographers that I’m really excited to shoot with, and a few costars that I am beyond excited to work with!
I hope you have a great and safe New Year’s Eve, and that you get to spend it in whatever way is right for you…
I never set out to be a sex worker, but I became one all the same. I didn’t even realize it until long after the fact. What do I mean? Well, let me explain.
I make porn. I sell clips of myself (and other people) having sex. To promote those clips, I write an adult blog and share lots of nude pictures of myself. The thing is, I never used to think of what I do in those terms—production, sales, and promotion—because I’m fortunate enough that I never needed to, because I don’t rely exclusively on porn for my living. I just never had to think about what I do in that way. I usually tend think of my porn as my secret art project, my hobby, my guilty (in a good way) secret, my life-saving outlet. And those things are all true. But it’s also sex work, what I do. I’m a sex worker.
Just a Blogger Who…Writes About Sex…and Makes Porn Clips…and…
Conversationally, I would normally describe myself as a blogger who also happens to makes adult clips. The way I usually think about it, the blogging comes first, then the photos, and the clips pay for all the hosting and gear, with a little bit left over, which I usually reinvest into the process. In pure work terms, however, it’s the opposite. I’m a clip producer who builds community with her blog and pictures.
As I learn more about sex work and sex workers, I have come to understand that, to the extent that I make, sell, and promote porn, I’m a sex worker. What I do is most definitely work, and it’s most definitely work about sex.
Forums: My Gateway Drug
Just as I didn’t set out to be a sex worker, I didn’t set out to make porn, either. I was just looking for some people like me, for a feeling of community, and for some advice for discovering a sex life I could enjoy. At the time, that mostly meant forums. Eventually, I just started sharing pictures on forums that inspired me, as way to contribute to the community and, ideally to pay forward the incredible gift of sexuality and education I was receiving.
From there it went to sharing little clips, and then doing a little writing, and then starting my own blog, and then setting up a little clip store, and then buying my own real equipment and then, finally expanding my pool of people I worked with beyond solo clips and clips with my boyfriend.
I think that, even more than getting paid a bit for a clip or two, the first time work with people you’re not in a relationship with is the classic divider between hobbyist and performer.
What Even Is Porn Now?
And so suddenly, I’m a porn producer. I mean, I’ve never made “big-budget” studio porn, and I’ve barely done any boy-girl shooting at all, but I’ve made close to 100 adult clips and I’ve posted thousands of erotic-or just plain pornographic-pictures online over the years. I’ve got a hundreds of posts on my blog, probably adding up to over 100,000 words, a blog that has had millions of views over the years.
These days, that’s increasingly what porn is, I think. The days when you weren’t really in porn unless you had a contract with Vivid or something like that are long gone, that’s for sure. I’m not dragging the people who make or made that kind of studio porn. But the fact is, the vast majority of the porn that I see people consuming these days get made by people like me. People who started small and built up their own teeny-tiny porn empires.
The thing is, though, because of the way I just sort of slipped into it, and especially because I do it anonymously, I never really thought too much about the implications in the way that you might if you went from nothing to having your face showed up on DVD covers in shops around the world overnight.
Baby You’re Star
I always used to think that sex work meant prostitution, and I told myself, I’m not doing that. Not that I looked down on prostitutes—not at all. I only know a few in person, but the ones I know are bold and clever and brave. The same is largely true of the ones that I know online, too. I’ve never been against the idea of sex work or sex workers. I just didn’t consider myself one of them, didn’t consider myself to be like them—whatever that means. I didn’t consider myself a “real” pornstar, anymore than I was prostitute or a stripper or a camgirl or any other kind of sex worker.
In fact, my site’s name, Rikochanpornstar, was originally meant to be a kind of self-deprecating humor, a joke at my own expense. As if I could really be a pornstar! Not! In my mind, it was a way of acknowledging that I wasn’t really pornstar material, but I suspect it was also a joking way of separating myself from sex work. Why?
I always thought I was outside the world of porn and the stigma that’s attached to it, since I never had to suffer it. I thought that by existing on the margins of sex industry the way I do, I could somehow not become a part of it, but that’s magical thinking. I felt that I was something else, and I also secretly felt guilty that I had what I perceived as the benefits of sex worth, without any of the cost.
Secrets Are Stigma
But then someone asked me recently why if I love my porn so much, I it anonymously, and I realized, I am affected by the stigma. That’s why I hide this incredibly important part of my life away and separate it from my daily life. I do it because I know that that stigma is just hanging over me, looming but at bay…for now. And that’s because no matter what I think of what I do and why I do it, at base I am also a sex worker, and the world at large despises and is deeply afraid of sex workers. When I started to be honest with myself, I realize that it’s exhausting and frightening to be something that society hates so much, even if you’re only living at the fringes of it.
Whereas my alter ego used to be a gleeful secret that separated me from other people, with that feeling of “I know something you don’t know, and knowledge is power,” now I suddenly had a new and altogether different feeling, too. Whereas before I was different from other people because of what I knew, and that secret made me powerful and happy, now I was also different from other people because of what I was, and that secret kept me safe.
I hadn’t really changed, of course. But my understanding of myself and how the world would see me had. I still do what I do for the same reasons: because I want to, because I enjoy it, and because it fills parts of me that would otherwise be empty. Yes, for all those reasons. All those reasons that are sort of almost nearly socially acceptable. Right? I mean, this is the language of creativity and art, and, well, I could argue that because I do what I do for those reasons, what I do is erotica, not porn. Not sex work.
But I’m not just doing it for those reasons.
Business Is Business
I’m also doing it to sell clips. Not because I need to, economically; this isn’t survival work for me. Rather, it’s because because I am good at it, and it’s very satisfying to make something and sell it. Business is very satisfying. Success at making and selling things is satisfying. That is not to say that doing sex work for survival is a terrible thing. It’s a great luxury I have, that I don’t need to do it, and that I love it; many people choose to do sex work to stay alive and many I’m sure, wouldn’t do it if they had some other opportunity. I understand. That’s the reality of work, sexual or otherwise. The stress of the job I do stay afloat was quite literally killing me before I found the outlets of exercise and sex work. It’s still taking years off my life, I’m sure.
Because I hate my straight work so much, I was desperate for this new thing not to be work. Yes, I used to tell myself that because I plowed nearly all the profits back into the production of my clips it wasn’t really a job, it was a hobby, or maybe a collaborative, crowdsourced art project. Sure, that might be true. But it’s also work. I like sell porn, because I like knowing that people enjoy my work so much that they are willing to pay me for the pleasure of jerking off to it.
If I’m being honest with myself, the fact that I am able to be successful at it adds a whole extra level of satisfaction to the pleasure I always let myself understand I was getting, that of exhibitionism, pleasing myself and other people, educating people, and broadening the world of porn to include people that look and think like me. All those pleasures are still there, but I’m also letting myself understand that this is work, and work that I enjoy for the sake of the work itself. I always enjoyed the sex part of being a sex worker; I just never realized until recently that I also enjoy the work part of being a sex worker.
A Sex Worker Are Workers; Sex Work Is Work
I don’t have particularly clever conclusion about about the meaning of sex work or the hypocrisy of society’s attitude toward sex workers. It’s clear to me that sex work is work; it’s the moral panic that surrounds it that makes it such a charged scary thing for so many people. That moral panic and the stigma and laws that force it underground are what makes it a dangerous, undesirable job for so many. Yes, trafficking is bad, but most sex workers don’t want or need to be rescued–except, quite often from law enforcement and the rescuers themselves.
I’m stunned at the way my understanding of both sex work and myself has changed just lately. I honestly don’t know what this will mean for my blog and my clips. I’ll keep making them, that’s for sure. Maybe now that I’m thinking about it more clearly, with fewer delusions and less confusion, I’ll do more, and do better. I don’t know; we’ll see. Like I said, these are new thoughts for me. I’m not really sure where they’ll take me.
If you do want to read some clever people with deeper, better developed and clearer thoughts about sex work here are a few places you can start.
Books by People Who Know Much More About Sex Work Than I Do
Of course, there are thousands—millions—of sex workers out there who know more about sex work than I do, from the escorts, to the pornstars, to the strippers, to the clip makers like me, to the dominatrixes, to the sex bloggers, to the bodybuilding session girls (be still my heart) to the cam girls to the I don’t even know what. I could never hope to list them all! That would be another much bigger story. What I can do is give you a list of authors whose books on the subject have influenced, inspired, and educated me lately.
The first book I ever read about sex work was Naked Online: Hookups, Downloads, and Cashing in on Internet Sexploration, by Audacia Ray (@audaciaray on Twitter), a great writer who also did sex work. Even though it’s 10 years old now, it’s still a fascinating and inspiring (literally, to me) read. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, Ray’s book basically gave me the confidence to get started in online sex work. Even though I only got to go a few times, her readings series, The Red Umbrella Diaries, also introduced me to sex workers in person for the first time and showed me they were just regular people doing their jobs.
For a powerful, funny, heartbreaking, thoroughly unromanticized, yet also wildly romantic look at what it’s like to navigate relationships while being a sex worker, you should read the amazing book Prostitute Laundry by equally amazing Charlotte Shane (@charoshane on Twitter) based on her own confessional Tiny Letter about her life as a sex worker.
For an fascinating, unsentimental view of the lives of the migrant sex workers, the novel The Three Headed Dog is a great read that is free of the usual moral panic from the so-called rescue industry. It’s by the brilliant academic Laura Agustín (@LauraAgustin on Twitter), whose important book scholarly book on the subject Sex at the Margins: Migration, Labour Markets and the Rescue Industry. I am now slowly making my way through. Slowly because I’m a slow reader, not because it’s a slow book!
For a very clear-headed examination of what it means to be a sex worker, and above all how to do it without losing yourself, the new book Thriving in Sex Work: Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex Industry. It’s by an amazingly positive and uplifting woman who lived the life, Lola Davina (@Lola_Davina on Twitter)
For an incredibly funny but also very informative and incisive look at the stripping side of sex work the fabulous Jacqueline Frances (@JacqTheStripper on Twitter) has a great novel called The Beaver Show, the Crass and Inspiring Saga of an Enterprising Megababe, as well as a book of excellent cartoons called Striptastic! A Celebration of Dope-Ass Cunts Who Like Money. Someday I will see her onstage, whether it’s stripping or doing standup!
I don’t know if this post will make sense to anyone but me. But I hope it does. I hope at the very least a few people will click the links and discover some new books that give them a new view on Sex Work. There are so many great books on the subject. If you have a favorite or a suggestion for me, please let me know in the comments.
I’ve got a good life. I’m lucky, and fortunate, and privileged. I work very, very hard to maintain that life. Because of the way I grew up, with a father who mistakenly thought, over and over and over again, this time my horse can’t fail, I’m also always secretly terrified it will all slip away. So I work harder still. Memories of the yakuza knocking on your door at night, in the morning, in the middle of the afternoon, those never go away. And so I do everything-work, working out, porn–at full force, and even then I don’t really believe it will last, because I know everything is changeable, nothing is guaranteed, and you have to fight to keep what you have. This has made me successful, but it can also make me very, very tired. So I’m using some of the money I have worked so hard to save, and I’m going on vacation, to make myself happy again.
I’m going where there is sun (maybe) and a pool and there might be a beach or two, and there is going to be jewelry. Necklaces and chokers and bracelets…I’m going to be flashy and brassy and bold and all the things I never let myself be. There are going to be dresses; so many dresses, and maybe even…gowns (though I am unclear on the actual difference, to be honest). I’ve been planning what to wear and shopping for months, and I’m not telling myself when would I ever wear that? This is the time I’m going to wear it. I’m going to dress for dinner like the sophisticated adult I always imagined I might one day be, and I’m going to dance and drink wine and champagne and Prosecco and maybe even a cocktail or two.
I’m going to kill it in the gym every day, maybe twice a day, and I’ll be swimming every day, and I might do some rock climbing, and I’m definitely going to do some hiking. I’m also going to get a massage or three and a manicure and a pedicure and maybe even a quackish spa treatment. I plan to haunt the saunas and steam rooms and hot tubs on the days when I access have one.
And I plan to have sex. So much fucking sex. The first night I don’t get to my hotel until 2 am, but every night after that I’m going to fuck. I’m going to have my nipples sucked and pumped and pinched and bitten and stretched until they are sore and swollen and stand out like thumbs in my bathing suit the next day.
My clit is going to get so much love, too. I’m only bringing a few toys, but the most important one is the pump for my clit. It has been ages since I got the chance to pump more than once every week or two, let alone once a day, which is what I used to do. Sometimes I would pump it for two, three, four hours at a time and my clit and labia (I used to pump my whole pussy a lot more) would get so fat and swollen that they would still be stretched and swollen and full the night when I started again. Each day, they’d get a little bigger, more sensitive, and more freaky looking.
I loved that sense of causing myself to become so outre, so shocking, and so strange, even to myself. I remember looking at my partner as we changed my body into something else entirely, as I pumped my labia until they were standing out like a fat, juicy fruit that filled my entire hand, and laughing a nervous, excited, happily horrified laugh, and saying, “Is this ok? Can I do this? Is this allowed? What if it never goes back? What it’s so big that I always have to wear a skirt or I will have a giant cameltoe? What if even under skirts it will show up? What if I look like a guy in a bikini? Would that freak you out? What about when I go back to Japan to visit? What if I go to an onsen with my friends and they see it? What if my mom sees?”
“It’s your body,” he said. It’s completely up to you what’s allowed. It doesn’t matter what I think. It doesn’t matter what your friends think. It doesn’t matter what your mom thinks. It only matters what you think.” It’s your body. It’s completely up to you what’s allowed. That simple statement–of a simple fact said at precisely the right moment–changed everything for me.
It might sound obvious to you. But to a Japanese woman growing up in conservative family–and, furthermore, one who grew up believing, secretly, and despite all evidence to the contrary, that if she did everything just right, and above all properly, this rectitude and propriety would spill over into her family life and keep her mother sane, keep her father from away from the track and the horses he could never quite give up on, keep him from shacking up with the vampiric track skanks (or better still, from ever coming back), keep the loansharks from the door–to a woman like that, the idea that we can (and maybe even should) just do whatever the fuck we want to ourselves, if it makes us happy…to a woman like that, such an idea is wildly, improbably revolutionary.
Of course, I’d heard those ideas before. Even in Japan you can’t avoid the sex and self-indulgence that permeates the media. We may have a more culturally ingrained sense of conformity and duty (or we may not, but that’s the perception), but we see all the American movies and TV shows, and our own culture is utterly saturated with sex, too. Unfortunately, in Japan it’s sex that is almost completely in service to men, to a far greater degree than even in the US. Or at least, that’s how Japan was for me, when I lived there.
For me, sex was a burden. In my experience, men were eventually going to take you to the track on your birthday and lose all their money on a sure thing instead of buying you a present. Sex was just something I could do in the meanwhile to make the men in my life happy, and, in doing so, make my life better because my partner was happy.
That second part is still true, of course, but it’s not the whole truth, the way it was then. I hadn’t learned that sex could also make me happy. You see, I never had an orgasm until more than halfway through my 20s, and I’d had several “lovers” by then. I’d even been engaged to be married. I knew about orgasms, of course, but I’d decided that there was probably something wrong with me that meant I couldn’t have one, and that I really didn’t even care about them, anyhow.
My first western boyfriend (who is my partner today) took that as a challenge, of course, and eventually that changed. I’m certain it was at least as much about him feeling powerful for making me come for the first time where other men had tried and failed as it was about how I felt, but I’m okay with that. He was young and dumb and I was a repressed, neurotic mess. The article going around about how men view making women come as an achievement more than a mutual act, well that doesn’t seem like a shocking piece of insight to me. I’m sure it’s still true of him today to some extent, but far more so at the beginning.
I’m just glad there was some reason for him to stick with it–and it actually took a consider amount of sticking with, I was so locked down and rigid. I never would have made it on my own. When I think back on how excruciatingly hard and embarrassing it was to get to there, that first time, and how confused and full of hate and rage I was, I just want to sit down and weep for myself as I was then. As confused and run down and mixed up as I get now, I at least know, that if I can manage to want to, I can reliably come and come and come until I need to change the sheets, and possibly the mattress.
This may sound awful, but I am, in fact, absurdly grateful that he stuck with it, to the point where it still makes me resent him sometimes. As in, how dare you make me feel guilty by being nice to you when I didn’t deserve it: I hate you! There were many, many years of really bad (and rare) sex. I’m honestly not sure why he did stayed, although he maintains it was always love. I don’t see how that could have been true at that point, but there must have been some reason. I suspect some degree of laziness, or maybe insanity, because…honestly.
At the beginning, my friends were all openly, even insultingly puzzled. I remember one particular night we were sitting on a blanket under a blossoming cherry tree, drinking beer and listening to the guys we were with singing terrible karaoke through a portable sound system powered by some kind of generator. It was one of those perfect gorgeous summer nights, and I was happily waiting for him to show up, and my friends started in. “Yes, you’re sort of pretty in a square-jawed, Easter Island Moai kind of way, and you’re really smart, but do boys care about smart? I don’t think so. You’re prickly and stubborn and sharp. If you’re not having much sex, and you don’t even like sex, and you’re not any good at sex, why is he still hanging around and being nice to you? What does he want? What’s wrong with him?”
I wanted to be mad, and I felt like I ought to defend myself, or even him, but it was just the truth. I was (and am) prickly and stubborn and sharp, but back then I was also nearly always unhappy, and it made me mean. But we were also very simpatico and good at just hanging out and just being together, which I’d never experienced before. We laughed a lot when we weren’t fighting. He was the first lover I’d ever had who was a friend…a really good friend. Maybe even my best friend.
So why wasn’t the sex better? He learned how to make me come more consistently (and more, importantly, I learned how to relax enough to let myself come), but something wasn’t right. It was him doing things to me…so many things to me, over and over again, things that I often adored and sometimes even craved so much that I got frightened. But something just wasn’t right, and nearly all our fights were about sex at their root, even if he didn’t always know it.
It wasn’t until I really started to absorb that idea, that it was my body, that it was completely up to me what was allowed, that things started to change. Like…I could tell him what I liked, and what I wanted, and when. I mean, that one wasn’t a huge leap, since he was one of those guys who always asked if everything was okay, to the point of it being annoying and off-putting. I was so twisted up inside that literally the best thing that occurred to me, at the dawn of this idea of total freedom, was that that I could tell him to stop asking me what I wanted all the time. Just shut up and do it, asking too much kills the mood! In fact, I sometimes hated him for being so fucking weak and worrying so much about what I wanted, and not just taking it…so that I didn’t have to think about it. How sad is that?
Although checking in too much is actually an annoying habit of his that still enrages me sometimes (although we’ve mostly moved past it), he really was right to ask, back then. In fact, he was doing things that I really didn’t like sometimes. Other times, he was just doing things that I might have liked fine at another time, but wasn’t in a mood for right then. And he was asking about them all, but, instead of saying no, I’d just go through with them, and then be truly awful to him in retribution at at some later date, without ever explaining why. Or I’d say yes and then just be unavailable for sex for days or weeks after, also without actually explaining why or even really clearly saying no.
It took me a lot longer to actually get to the point where I actually lived up to the idea that I really could say no. To anything.
Every woman has things they don’t like. One of my favorite writers on sex and feminism and being a woman has sex, Charo Shane, writes again and again about how much she hates receiving oral sex, which is fucking crazy to me. But that’s just it: she’s the one who gets to decide, no matter how crazy it might sound. (For me, it’s masturbation; I don’t and hardly ever have have. I know, freak out: discuss.) With him, it was anal, which I felt obliged to say yes to. The ability to just totally shut that down was terrifying, but wildly empowering at the same time.
I may have gone a little power-mad for a while, employing my newfound veto power. It’s one of those personal growth stereotypes that is also true that when you start working on yourself, things get worse before they get better–especially for your partner. It turns out that, ideally, sex is a negotiation. No one has to (or should) do anything they hate, but if you want to actually be able to live with someone and have a partner, you might actually need to negotiate a little bit, unless your partner is willing to be totally subservient to your needs. Since despite the tone of this story, I’m mostly the submissive one, that’s not at all what I want, I’m not well matched with that kind of partner, so I had to learn how to do that, too.
I eventually discovered that it was much more fun to just insist on what I wanted and to make it more and more fun for him to give me what I wanted (and to make him want to give me what I wanted) than to focus on denying him what he wanted. Eventually, we ended up mostly wanting the same things, and sex got much, much better.
It turns out that, if you say, I want you to do X to me–where X is some kind of kinky, transgressive, or just plain crazy sex act–and that afterwards (or during) they get an orgasm, that’s going to take care of most guys. If they have some super-specific kink that they can’t live without, either you need to be okay with satisfying it every so often, or you probably just shouldn’t be with them.
These days, if he really wanted anal, I’d be fine with doing it once in a while, but he’s so fixated now on my clit and shooting my porn that it hasn’t come up in literally years.
That all sounds great, and it would be great, if only I could live by it all the time. But despite the fact that I sort of mostly know it’s true, on a good day, I only have it about about halfway internalized, at most, and that’s after years of working on it and countless hours of therapy. Sex still gets problematic for me. I work too much. I worry too much. I’m still the girl who turned up the volume on her stereo to drown out the sounds of my mother screaming at the loansharks looking for my father–whose horse always failed, until he finally did disappear, forever. And so I work myself to the point where I’m sick. I’m too tired for sex, and, more importantly for the kind of negotiations that make it fun and exciting, and bearable, let alone sexy.
So I’m on vacation. Recharging. Getting myself together. Again. Using some of that money and time off that I have banked, and getting back to the point where I not only know that it’s my body, and that it’s completely up to me what’s allowed, but that I also recapture that feeling of wanting things to be done to it, loving when things are done to it, and loving when new things happen to it, with new people, and loving sharing all those experiences with all of you. Maybe this time I’ll even be able to learn it so deeply that it’ll stick with me, that I’ll remember that I ought to choose the things I love, and that make me happy, instead of the crazy, obsessive, superstitious things that I do to try and manage a life that I haven’t actually lived for many, many years.
It’s not that I’ve ever stopped actually loving those things, but I get so tired and sick, honestly, that I can’t remember how to access that feeling of love, if that makes sense. Don’t worry; it’s nothing for you to worry about. This happens from time to time, and I’m getting better about taking care of myself when it does. I hope you’re as excited as I am about what’s going to happen when I back, recharged and ready to be Rikochan again, full of that new, shiny optimism that this time I’ll be able to keep my life in balance, that my partner will stick through just this one last cycle with me, that this time my horse won’t fail.
I know, you’re hoping for a big clitty porn story, but really I just wanted to let you all know that I will be offline for about 10 days starting tomorrow-ish. But don’t worry, it’s for a good reason: I’m going on vacation! I’m not going to go into too much detail now, but just know that I won’t have much internet access, so there won’t be as many pictures on my Facebook and Twitter as usual!
I’ll tell you more about it when I’m back, but just to tease a little bit, I can tell you that there will be beaches, hiking, boats, champagne, and dressing for dinner. Also, I’ve got at least some kind of gym to work out at every morning of my trip! I plan to come back both more rested and in better shape than when I left, which I think has never happened before in the history of my vacations.
Also, I am really hoping to get some fun pictures and video on my trip to share with you here and for my clip store. Oh, I should also let you know that I used the money I have made on clips recently to finally upgrade my video camera: I got a Canon Vixia HF G40! I’m so happy, my clitty porn video quality should get way better, I should be able to do better closeups in better focus, and I’ll be able to shoot in lower light, which I think can be sexy and fun.
Please remember that everything I make selling clips goes back into making more clips. Every penny goes into better equipment, better wardrobe, new toys to shoot with, pay for pro photographers and costars, new bondage gear, lights, backdrops, etc. Actually, I end up spending more than I make, if you count all the wardrobe…but the point is, if you buy one of my clips, you’re not making me rich, you’re just financing more and better clips and pictures!
Anyhow, I just wanted to let you all know, and to leave you with a picture or two to keep you busy while I’m gone! If I can manage it I will schedule a couple more clitty porn pictures to to post here before I go, but…mmm, there’s about a 50/50 chance I will be too busy packing and cleaning tonight. Gotta hide all my sex toys from the very nice, but very pure-seemed lady who will feed my cats while I’m gone.
That’s all for now. But I hope you liked the pictures. These one were shot on the day that we also shot When Yuka Dommed Riko, which is one my most popular videos ever. If you haven’t checked it out, you should!
I’ve learned a lot over the past few years being Rikochan, writing this blog, doing my photoshoots, making my videos, and meeting people on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and what I am capable of, and of what it means to try new things and stretch and grow. I know, you’re here for the clits and the boobs and the muscles, but just bear with me for a minute…
It has been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me, even if at times it has been uncomfortable and hard and nerve-wracking. I’ve learned so many things that I can’t even put them into words. Some are just feelings, and some are ways of being, and some are new kinds of confidence. You can’t really distill those down into concrete ideas, or at least I can’t But some of these things I can put into words, and one of them is this: I love boobs.
I love them all. Of course, my deepest weakness is for the big, gorgeous ones that you can just drown in. The kind that can smother you, that you can motorboat, that are so big that even the nipples are a challenging mouthful. Rion Nishikawa is my lastest Japanese pornstar crush, and a big part of that is her fantastic breasts. I’m utterly (udderly?) hypnotized by them every time I see them.
Every time I have sex lately, it’s always Rion, Rion, Rion whose porn I watch to get me in the mood and Rion, Rion, Rion who’s fucking in the background as I get fucked. I look up and see Rion riding, being ridden, her huge gorgeous breasts swaying and shaking and being fucked. Sure, I still have room in my heart for Julia and Rena Fukiishi, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and right now it’s Rion who makes me hot and wet.
That’s not to say that I only like huge, full and round ones. I have a huge love for the muscular chests of female bodybuilders, too. I’ve written before about my love for Annie Rivieccio, and how my exposure to her in the pages of the excellent Muscle Elegance magazine helped me to understand and accept and even love my own muscular body and little boobs. I’ve bought a ton of her videos over at her Female Muscle Movies clips store, and I can’t recommend them strongly enough…they’ve got everything from lift and carry to muscle worship to full-on muscle fucking.
My Boyish Boobs
I’m totally not one of those purists who complains when bodybuilders get implants (I think implants can be crazy sexy, too! I think Cindy Landolt looked great with a completely flat chest and I think she looks great with her big sexy implants, too. I do, however, have a real, serious weakness for the muscle chests of the big female bodybuilders with broad pecs and small breasts that comes with training and dieting. I’ve been thin enough myself that tits basically disappeared except for the nipples and just a hint of a curve, one that would completely disappear if I lifted my arms over my head.
These days I don’t want that completely shapeless preteen boy look, though; as sexy as I found the androgyny, and as hot as I find it on other people, I want something that is, for me, healthier now, something more powerful and striking. That’s why I work so hard in the gym and eat well and right and take care of myself.
These days, my own chest is getting bigger, partly because I’m a bit on the fatter side right now, and partly because I’ve been training like crazy, really getting into my new powerlifting workouts. I think I’m starting to look a little more balanced, now, too. In the past, I was all legs, but now I’m starting to see a little bit more shape in my upper body, and I’m especially happy with the way my chest is changing. It’s getting bigger, and stronger, and harder…
I’ve got a long ways to go before I reach the awesome size and power of Annie, or my other bodybuilding porn friend, Mistress Treasure, and I might never get there, but every time I meet up with Mistress T, I’m more inspired than ever to hit the iron, and hit it hard! I’m going to be working on editing another Mistress Treasure video this very weekend, and you can be sure I’ll be checking out her fantastic nipples! Mine are long and hard, but they’re got nothing on Mistress Treasure’s. Hers have to be seen–and sucked–to be believed.
The fact that I’m working on little muscle tits doesn’t mean that that’s the only way I imagine myself being, though. In fact, I dream about having huge glorious boobs like the ones I got to suck and kiss and bury my face in when I shot my Pouty Slave session videos with Lady Clarece. They’re so perfect, and soft and heavy. She left me suck and bite them, and she smothered me with them, too.
That feeling of being completely surrounded by boobs, nearly crushed by them is the best feeling there is. I can’t wait to do that again, and we’re talking about shooting again soon! I know many of you loved the videos we shot, and I’m sure you’re going to like what my mistress has planned for the next set of videos even more!
I used to only dream about playing with big boobs like Lady Clarece’s. Since I’ve been expanding my horizons as Rikochan, however, I’ve learned to love playing with small ones, too. I had so much fun playing with the Slutty Nic’s little ones. She has amazing nipples, the areolae are huge and puffy…puffy nipples are one of my weaknesses. I love that hers have such a different shape from mine which are sort of flat and hard and champagne glass shaped. Hers are long and low, and stretchy. I loved how I could move them around and play with them and even stretch them out!
Pinching and pulling Slutty Nic’s nipples was so exciting and sexy. I was playing the domme in that shoot, which was very hard for me (I’m a total sub), but I have to admit, the idea that another serious sub would let me pull and pinch and stretch her nipples until she gasped and moaned really did bring out something a bit more dominant in me. I really enjoyed making her feel good by being a little bit rough with her lovely little boobs. That was almost as fun as when Nic gave me a clit blow job: my first time ever being on the receiving end of oral sex from a woman. The fact that it was even close should tell you just exciting pinching her nipples was…
And my friend Yuka Ozaki (who has sadly retired from porn, I think) also had such cute little ones, too. I have an an amazing time sucking them, and just looking at them, frankly. When we shot When Riko Met Yuka, it was the first time I’d ever played with boobs that were even smaller than mine. Although I saw plenty of smaller ones when I was growing up in Japan, at that point in time I wasn’t thinking about playing with them, I was just being jealous of how those girls were all skinnier than me.
I’m sad that I might never get to play with her cute little boobs again, but I’m glad I got to do it a couple times while she was still making porn. We were supposed to shoot one more video after When Yuka Dommed Riko, but the schedule never got worked out, and I think I got too busy with school after that. I really wish I had worked harder to reschedule that third shoot, now! We were just starting to get really comfortable shooting together, and I’d love to have played with her boobs (not to mention her crazy tight little pussy) one more time…
Anyhow, can you tell by this long rambling post about playing with boobs that I’ve been too busy to have much sex lately, and that I haven’t been able to play with any women at all for months? In fact, not once this year! Writing this post made me realize that I am seriously in boob withdrawal, and that it’s time to schedule new video shoots. Any women out there who want to shoot with me, please let me know!
More videos coming soon. In the meanwhile, let me know what you think of my boobs and whether or not you think I should get implants at my Rikochan Implants Poll. Yes, I know it’s up to me. Don’t bother telling me that, I know! I’m curious what you think.