Things are crazy right now. I’m burned out and confused and pulled in too many directions at once. It’s a hard time. Personally, professionally, and even here in the normally safe and fun world of Rikochanpornstar.com, I’ve got some weird things happening.
Nowhere to Hide
But, like always, it’s in these strange times that interesting things start to happen, too. I’ve got a great opportunity at my day job that might really change my life…if it happens. At the very least, I’d be able to stop working the horrible hours that are keeping me away from you and my site and my videos. And I’ve been approached to work with a very interesting agency that might help me take my site to a new level, and maybe get me working with some cool people, and sites, and even magazines, too. I’m hoping that some pictures I took with Mayumi (like the one above) might appear in some interesting places sometime this year.
Both of these are things that might turn into something; neither one of them are guaranteed to be right for me. It’s impossible to know now, and I’m in that weird state where I don’t want to hope for too much with either one, in case they don’t work out. The problem is that usually I can use work to hide from the stuff in my private life when it gets tough, and I can use Rikochanpornstar to hide from the stuff in my work life. Right now, I feel like both of the places I usually hide are compromised. My hiding places aren’t working!
Escape Into Bodybuilding
Luckily, I have a third place: the gym. I can’t tell you how hard I’ve been working these days. It’s always my physical outlet, but lately it’s really been filling in for all my mental outlets, too. It’s amazing how much harder you can go when you are determined. I always thought I was giving it everything when I went, and that my real problem was consistency and diet. But since I’ve been relying on the gym more for my mental wellbeing, too, I’ve discovered that I am able go so much harder than I thought.
I find myself shaking and sick at the end of workouts, completely soaked in sweat every time. I get so far into the zone that I hardly notice the people around me. I’ve had coworkers tell me that they said hi to me in the gym and that I completely didn’t hear them. And it’s not that I’m wearing headphone, either; I’m just…focused.
My latest workout works really well with this focus, it’s high volume with very little rest: perfect for really losing yourself in it. I’m doing a workout from Simply Shredded, from the fantastic WBFF Pro Fitness Model Andreea Tina, and wow, I can see results! I mean, I don’t look anything like Andreea, but I can see myself getting there someday, which I never really could, before. I always had a goal body, but I never actually thought I’d like like those women. They were an aspiration, but it was like aspiring to be a superhero. I could use these women as motivation, but I knew I’d never actually look like them. It just wasn’t in my genetics, I wasn’t motivated enough, I didn’t have the time, I was too old, I didn’t have the talent, I didn’t have the desire, I. Just. Wasn’t. Good. Enough.
A New Feeling
For the first time in a long time, though, I’ve started feeling…different. Like, I can kill any workout, crush any goal, be anything. I’m working hard and doing a good job, and it is starting to show, and it’s starting to make me feel…good. I feel like I am in control of something, I am accomplishing something, I am good at something. That’s such an amazing, powerful feeling, and it’s a feeling that grows, that expands out into your life. If you feel like you’re good at something, that you are good at something…maybe you could be good at something else, too? Maybe many things. What a crazy idea. Who knows where it might end?