I love these pictures of me in latex dress on my human chair, but let’s be clear: I’m really not a dominatrix (in latex or leather), a domme, or a mistress. I won’t top you, beat you, or discipline you—despite the dominatrix lessons I have had. I may be tough and capable in my daily life, but that doesn’t mean that I am anything but a subby girl, a bottom, a true submissive in the bedroom. Except…
Except that sometimes it’s fun to not be me. Sometimes there’s a power and excitement and thrill in being someone else altogether. In switching roles, even if it’s just for a photoshoot or video. It’s beyond liberating, because this isn’t a secret piece of me that’s yearning to be free, which is what “liberation” means to me.
No, although I’m having an amazing time experimenting on Rikochanpornstar and on my clips4sale studio and in my private life, most of that is about exploring who I am and who I can be, and pushing the boundaries of that person. This is something different. This is being a person who is not me. This is about submerging Rikochan completely and letting some other person, some other Rikochan take over. There aren’t secret pieces of me waiting to be revealed; instead, there are holes in me that new pieces can fit into. There are pieces of me that can be removed temporarily and replaced by new pieces.
Mesmerized in Latex
This is what I imagine it is like to be deeply hypnotized, because most of these transformations are at the hands of someone else. I’m not the kind of performer who creates a character. Instead, I’m the kind of person someone creates a character out of. I’m the kind of person who gets overwritten by a different character, for a little while. It’s such a strange and exciting and sometimes terrifying experience to let someone create a new person out of you, even for a short time. To become a doll for someone else to make new person out of. To change into a different person like that latex dress was an entirely new skin, for a new person.
The first time I ever experienced this incredible doubling in my sex life was when I shot the Gym Bullies series. The character I was playing wasn’t me, but I can’t act…at all. And so instead of me acting the part, the part acted me. I was outside my body, watching it get fucked and get “forced” into oral sex and orgasms and all sorts of things, watched it cooperate—enthusiastically, even. Before you get freaked out reading this, please understand: I knew ahead of time exactly what was going to happen that day, on that shoot. I wrote the script, and we had detailed production meetings the day of the shoot. But knowing the plot and performing the plot are two really different things. The script that I wrote was just a fantasy, not anything I ever imagined I would actually do. I loved that day. But I was also very surprised by it, and by how my brain reacted to my body doing these new things.
I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On
I have a friend who has depersonalization disorder, and she says this sounds like just a tiny taste of like what she experiences. Except, of course, that in my case it’s a surrender of control, not a loss of control. I choose who to give up control to. I choose when to give it up. I can choose to stop at any time. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. I’ve never come across a situation where I wanted to stop in the middle of this kind of surrender. I honestly don’t know what would happen if I did. Would I be so deeply submerged my body would ignore my brain? Would I even know that I wanted to stop?
Well. I hope I don’t have to find that out. I’m very picky about my projects and up front about my limits, and I would only ever work with people I felt safe and secure with. Mostly that means Kraka shoots me, or comes to my shoots with other people, to make sure I’m OK. I’m getting to the point in my porn life, though, where I’m getting offers to do more professional shoots that I couldn’t being him to. I’m working out ways to do this and still feel safe. We’ll see. I’m very lucky that I don’t need to do any particular shoot. I’m making porn not because I want to, but because I want to. Because I want to explore exactly this kind of thing. But, to be honest, that desire to explore becomes it own sort of need.
So. We’ll see.