I made a bunch of resolutions for this year, but not many of them are sexy and fun–most are about school, housing, and money. One thing I think most of my readers will be happy to hear, however, is that I’m determined to work harder than ever on my fitness in 2018. I’m getting stronger this year! I made a lot of progress last year, especially in the second half of the year, and this year I’m completely committed to doing even better.
Getting Stronger Physically
I have an amazing new trainer that I worked with for a few months last year, and she has really helped me improve both my form and my programming, and most of all she’s helped me get serious about diet again. Not that I didn’t already eat better than most of my peers and many of the people I know who work out, but there’s no doubt that I needed to eat more of some things and less of other things to both grow my muscles and shrink my fat. I’ve lost over 20 pounds in the last few months, and yet I’ve never been stronger! I never believed that getting stronger while losing weight was possible, but it definitely is.
I want to be so damned big and strong. I these pictures to be my “before” shots and I want people to look at them and say, damn, girl, I can’t believe you were ever that small! I saw a picture of Alina Popa like that yesterday. She’s so much smaller than she is now, she looks tiny…she weighs only 125 lbs even though she is actually more muscular than I am now! Although, actually I weigh more than she did in that picture by more than 10 pounds, so who knows. It’s very, very hard to judge your own size, especially when you have some kind of body dysmorphia, as I have had.
Getting Stronger Mentally
As I am both getting stronger and getting leaner, I get more confident in my body, and my self, and my sexuality. I don’t think it’s all just about pride in my appearance, though, to be honest, although looking the way you want to look certainly makes you feel sexier, prouder, and braver in my experience. Really, though, it’s as much about the feeling of control. It’s the same feeling I got when I was very, very thin. I was. And it was a control thing. I could control my body, and that made me feel…good. Even though, of course, I was basically dying, destroying my body. It was the control that made me feel so confident and sexy. The idea that I was who I chose to be, even if that person wasn’t a healthy one. That’s a very powerful idea, when you grew up feeling like your body, your sexuality, and your whole life were all out of your control.
Of course, these days I like to think that I’m on a healthier path, but I’m still all about the control. These days, though, it’s about sculpting my body. I’m determined that my physical self should reflect the new strength of my mental self. I’m more interested in being bigger, and stronger, and harder. I want my outer self to look as tough and disciplined as I’m trying to be with inner self.
The fact is, however, that for me that striving for strength still involves a certain need to punish my body. I like the idea of working so hard that I’m sore the next day, not just for the fact that it means that I’m growing my muscles, but also for the fact that it represents my ability to impose my will on my body, to work it to the point where there’s a little bit of pain. It’s a kind of masochism, I suppose. I don’t want to damage myself, but…I suspect it might be similar to the way people get a certain sense of relief and satisfaction from cutting themselves. I feel that pain because I caused that pain, and that’s a kind of control.
I’m trying to be more about the sculpting and the growth these days than I am about the pain and the weight loss. I’m mostly succeeding, too, though I won’t say that it doesn’t feel really, really good to have lost 20 pounds in the last few months. That said, when I look at pictures for inspiration and to train my brain to see things in new ways, I connect more with the pictures I’m looking at of Alina Popa at 200 lbs than the one I linked to earlier, where she weighed 75 pounds less. I can picture myself at that size, with that much muscle and that “off-season” look. My brain is changing, and my idea of strong is changing, too. I’m getting stronger.
So that’s my belated thought for 2018. I won’t call it a New Years’ resolution because it’s so late, and because I don’t believe in them, anyhow. They’re too artificial and too forced. That said, I do believe in taking stock of my goals every now and then, and this is one that I’ve been working on for a while, one that I’ve been making progress on lately. I hope that my new physique starts to show up in pictures here, more often, as well as my Instagram and my clips studio. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the changes, and any encouragement you have as well! Leave me a comment, if you like!