I’ve been thinking a lot about gender and body images recently. Despite a lot of what I post, I don’t really picture myself as anything but a fairly traditional girl. I mean, I’m not a super frilly sparkly girly girl, but I don’t think of myself as butch or manly, or anything like that. And I’m not even a little bit assertive or dominant, either, in sex or in my everyday life. I think if people asked me how I identified, I’d call myself a pretty ordinary woman, if I didn’t think about it very much. Vanilla.
How Do You See Me?
But lately I have been thinking about how other people see me, and I wonder if maybe my self-image and the reality of how I present myself (apart from here on Rikochanpornstar.com, I mean), and how I dress and how I’ve modified my body might all be pretty different from how I think about myself.
I mean, I’ve got shorter and shorter hair, I never wear a skirt or hardly and makeup or jewelry, and the way I dress is maybe cute but fairly masculine (except for fabulous boots). Like I wore a dress the other day and people at my office were literally shocked. I used to wear skirts and dresses all the time. Now it’s always pants—granted, pants that show off my legs, but, still…
More importantly of course, I’ve been working harder and harder in the gym, and now I’m dieting, too. Basically, I’m building muscle and losing the softer curves. Which is okay; I’m really excited to be getting a bit of an ass, and my legs look better than they ever have. But I know that to a lot of my Japanese coworkers, I look like a guy. I’m bigger than almost all the Japanese guys, in fact. Even among Westerners, I’m starting to look pretty broad and strong.
And then there’s my big clit, too. I mean, really…it looks like a little cock—there’s just no doubt of that. It makes me hot to think of that and to look at it swelling in a pumping tube or to watch it sliding in and out of Kraka’s mouth as he blows me like I was a boy, slurping on my meaty glans and sliding the foreskin-like hood back and forth with his lips as he goes down on me. I’m starting to get more and people asking me, in all seriousness, if I’m a hermaphrodite (no) based on the size of my huge clitty.
How Do I See Me?
I’ve been thinking a lot about my image of myself and how it might not really match the physical me since yesterday. Why? It’s not my fashion or my role or even my FTM-looking clitty. Nope. It’s because of the recent progress picture I posted. It’s partly the angle, but my boobs are definitely smaller than they have been since I shrunk them to nothing back when I was probably suffering from an eating disorder. I was surprised at just how small they looked, how flat my chest was. It’s amazing how much our boobs affect our self image, isn’t it?
I mean, I live with them every day, so I do know they are getting smaller, but I hadn’t really realized just how they looked. I was really surprised, though not necessarily in a negative way. It was just like: “Wow. I look really different.”
I’m mostly happy. Mostly. The work is paying off. I’m proud of how hard I’ve been working. When I see progress pictures, I feel like I’m…making progress. But my body is not what I thought, and I’m a little bit worried that that might become a problem. I mean, it doesn’t match my image of myself. When I picture myself, that’s not what I see. This picture especially caused me to have a weird disconnect. I couldn’t see it as “me,” if that makes sense.
I’ve had that feeling before, with the first real porn video I saw of myself. The first one I ever shot were so amazing and sexy to make, but I’ve never quite been able to see it as me, because I couldn’t picture myself as having done them, couldn’t make the connection between the image I have of myself and the image on the screen. And that’s probably the reason I’ve never posted it on my store yet. I tell myself it’s because I’m not happy with the edit, but really, I could fix it in a few hours. It’s not a problem. I don’t regret making the video, and whether I post it now or five years from now doesn’t matter a bit to me.
Am I Cut Out to Be a Bodybuilder?
But it does make me think, hard, about bodybuilding. I love it. I love how it makes me feel, physically and especially mentally. I’m prone to depression, and the endorphins I regularly get from it have probably saved my life. I love the discipline. And I love the strong sexy look of women with muscle. I want to see myself look that. The problem is now that I’m just barely starting to get there, I still can’t see it as me, if that makes sense. And that might be a problem.
If I don’t post the video I was talking about for five years from now, if that’s how it takes me to get comfortable, it doesn’t matter. If it takes me five years to adjust my self image…that’s another thing. If I continue as I am going, my body is really going to change. If I don’t get comfortable with it, that’s going to make me crazy. I’ve had body-dysmorphia issues before, and I didn’t enjoy them. More likely, though, I’ll just start to sabotage my progress if I get to point where the mismatch between my mental and physical images gets too big.
And that would be a shame. Because I’m the kind of person who has to follow through. If I do something, I really DO it. I’m obsessive that way. If I start sabotaging myself and making myself fail at the one thing that is keeping me happy and healthy, well…I won’t be happy or healthy.
I remember reading a post by one of my FBB heroes, Katka Kyptova, explaining why she was dropping from bodybuilding to one of the other classes, and she basically said that as much as she loved the training and the process and the strength, she couldn’t see herself as a girl any more. I didn’t understand what she the same way then as I do now, maybe. After all, I don’t see her current size and shape as any more traditionally girly now than it was then. Don’t get me wrong, I think she looked and looks great. But she’s no less extreme than she was. Yet somehow, whatever the change has meant to her, she’s more comfortable now.
I guess this is the real challenge of bodybuilding. I always heard people say it was a mindgame, that it was at least as much a mental thing as a physical one, and I wonder if maybe this isn’t what they were talking about. I always assumed that they were talking about the discipline. For me, frankly, that’s not such a big challenge (obsessive!). But if it’s about changing your self image…wow, that’s a whole other thing I hadn’t really planned for. I always just assumed that part would come with the progress, naturally. Maybe I’m just obsessing over one picture, and tomorrow I’ll feel different. Maybe it’s not such a big deal. But maybe not. It’s not as though I don’t LOVE women on muscle. I just need to be able to picture it on me, you know?
Have other people gone through this? Through something like this? I’d love to hear from any one who has, and from women in particular.
BB fans, don’t worry, I’m not quitting! Just thinking about how to move forward, and how to think about what it will mean for me as I get more serious.
Sorry, that’s a lot of serious rambling. Next time it’ll be more fun stuff I promise!