I used to be embarrassed and ashamed about a lot of things…
- Body hair
- Size (tall and fat and big)
- Big thighs
- Big calves
- Big feet
- Flat ass
The list goes on and on. But I got over most of it.
Well, not body hair. I mean, I’m not embarrassed anymore, because I mostly don’t have any, because I got rid of it all with laser hair removal.
But the rest I’ve mostly learned to deal with, or, at least, I’m making progress. I think being exposed to the non-vanilla world of kink is a big part of what changed my way of thinking.
Sure, having a supportive partner makes a big difference, but, when you are insecure having a single partner who not only likes you in spite of your flaws but actually might like some of things you think are flaws can help. But, if you are really insecure, you might just think “Oh, he’s just saying that…he has to say that, because I’m his girlfriend.” Or maybe you believe it, but secretly you think that there might be something wrong with someone who likes the bad things about you. Or maybe you might think you got lucky and feel desperately obliged to that person, because he’s the only one who could ever feel that way about you. All those ways of thinking can poison a relationship, take it from me.
Putting my pictures and myself and my thoughts out there for the kinky people of the world, here and on FetLife and on my Clips4sale studio is what really changed my thinking about myself and the things that I was ashamed of. Not only are people not grossed out by these things I that used to worry me, many of them they actually love them. And it’s that chorus of pervy voices that has made me see these things in a different way.
It’s not that I’ve been converted to loving or even accepting the things about myself that used to bother me so much. But it means a lot to me that there are actually people who are desperately in love with these same things. I know, I know, everyone tells me I should love or at least accept these things, regardless of what other people think, not because of it.
But, in a way, knowing that not everyone would judge me negatively for these things is freeing. Not because the opinions of the kinky people change any facts—in fact, precisely because their opinions don’t change any facts, because they are just opinions. It’s that realization that these minority opinions are just opinions that let me finally truly internalize something that I’ve known all along but never really been able to believe applied to me and my hideous self. All negative judgments are just opinions. They’re just subjective thoughts, no matter who is thinking them, or how many people are thinking them.
I still don’t love or accept certain things about myself. There are things that, while I’m glad people don’t judge me for them, I am determined to change. I think it’s good to have some aspirations and goals for self-betterment, even if the “better” is just a matter of opinion. I think if you simply accept everything about yourself, you’ll never be motivated to be a better you.
But understanding that these ideas of “better” and “worse” are just opinions and ideas and not absolutes is incredibly empowering. It lifts a huge burden of guilt and judgment, if you let it.
For example, I’ll never love my feet, but knowing that there are people out there who do, people who, in fact regularly beg me to let them pay me to photograph them… Well, that’s a pretty good reminder that I shouldn’t worry about them too much.
Anyhow, thanks for listening. Is there anything you used to be ashamed of or embarrassed by that you got over? Anything that you are trying to get over? I’d love to hear about it in the comments…